The Day of Visitation

Mark 11, 

(Behold the Lord shall come suddenly into His temple. Malachi 3:1)

We are living in unprecedented, difficult times. Riots, unrest, and divisions plague our nation and our world like never before. Each generation has said pretty much the same thing, and each generation has been right, in a sense. With each generation, the end draws closer and closer. In 1 Timothy 4:1 and following, the Holy Spirit warns us that there will be an increasing turning from the truth in the Church as the end draws near. And 2 Timothy 3:1 and following tells us that evil will increase in the world.

We need to be aware of the times we live in and how they relate to God’s plan for the world. The people of Jesus’ day were misled and thus missed the day of their visitation. Jesus and the Apostles tell us to watch and be sober. (Parable of the virgins and 1 Thessalonians 4) There are two things that must concern us. One concern is that we are prepared for His return, and the other is that we are engaged in what the Father has given us to do.

In the Scriptures,  God’s coming or visitation can mean either blessing or punishment. In our context today, it can mean either. For those who are ready, it will meaning blessing, but for the unprepared, it will mean suffering. Jesus warned the people of His day about missing their day of visitation (God’s coming to them). For example, in Luke 19:43-44, He says:

Luke 19:43–44 (NKJV) ⁴³For days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment around you, surround you and close you in on every side, ⁴⁴and level you, and your children within you, to the ground; and they will not leave in you one stone upon another, because you did not know the time of your visitation.”

In our study of Mark 11, we will see that Israel was neither prepared nor engaged in the Father’s business. Therefore, they missed the day of their visitation.

 

First, in Mark 11:1-11, we see the promised King entering Jerusalem.

There are two sides to this picture. The first side of the image is Jesus preparing to enter Jerusalem. The second side of the image is the people welcoming Jesus.

In preparation for entering Jerusalem, Jesus sent two of His disciples ahead of Him to bring back a donkey’s colt. He told His disciples what would happen, and it happened just as Jesus said. In this action, Jesus showed His sovereignty and foreknowledge. He even knew the words that would be spoken before the disciples went.

This action should have instilled confidence in the disciples and increased their faith, and it probably did. However, by the end of the week, they all deserted Jesus and fled during the time of trial. We are no different. This is why the New Testament tells us repeatedly to stand firm and persevere. I will give one text as an example.

Matthew 24:12–13 (NKJV) ¹²And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. ¹³But he who endures to the end shall be saved.

Lawlessness is abounding more and more, but we must never forget that Jesus told us this would happen. Everything is under His control.

In choosing to enter Jerusalem riding on a donkey, Jesus also showed that He was King. His actions proclaimed that He knew who and what He was. All Israel knew to expect their King to come to them riding on a donkey. The prophet Zechariah said:

Zechariah 9:9 (NKJV) Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion!

Shout, O daughter of Jerusalem!

Behold, your King is coming to you;

He is just and having salvation,

Lowly and riding on a donkey,

A colt, the foal of a donkey.

By His actions, Jesus announced that He was the expected King. As He entered the city, the people demonstrated that they understood.

As Jesus and His disciples enter Jerusalem, the second picture comes into focus as a crowd gathers and welcomes the King into the city. As the people shout and sing Hosanna, their song of praise shows they know He is the King. For example, Mark 11:10 says,

Mark 11:10 (NKJV) Blessed is the kingdom of our father David, That comes in the name of the Lord!

These are the words of the people celebrating the coming of their King.

Having established who He was, Jesus waited until the next day to confront Jerusalem. We see this confrontation in Mark 11:12-24.

At this point, the Holy Spirit inserts a vital illustration. On the way to town, Jesus and those accompanying Him come upon a fig tree. But when Jesus found it had no fruit, He cursed the tree. Mark 11:20 tells us that in the morning, the disciples observed that the fig tree was dried up. When questioned about it, Jesus used it as an opportunity to tell His disciples they must have faith. However, in the bigger picture of the context, the fig tree symbolizes the nation of Israel. In the Old Testament, God sometimes uses a fig tree to represent Israel. For example, in Joel 2:21-25, healthy fig trees represent a restored nation.

In contrast to this, withered fig trees represent God’s judgment. Faith enters into this discussion because the lack of faith in the nation was what was bringing judgment. Unbelief is what Jesus was confronting. Israel as a nation was about to be judged and would wither. Jesus even warned of this when He told them:

Mark 13:2 (NLT) Yes, look at these great buildings. But they will be completely demolished. Not one stone will be left on top of another!

Jesus illustrated what was about to happen to the nation. This was the day of visitation by the King, and they were missing it. The consequences would be the shriveling and dying of the nation.

Jesus had cursed the fig tree on His way into Jerusalem. On this second day, Jesus went straight to the temple and chased the banking interests and the livestock marketers out of the temple. While doing this, He said:

Mark 11:17 (NKJV) Then He taught, saying to them, “Is it not written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer for all nations’? But you have made it a ‘den of thieves.’”

Treating the house of prayer as a market shouts unbelief. They had no faith in prayer or that there even was a God who listened to their prayers. Their temple was filled with what they worshiped - MONEY. Their minds were set on earthly things, so they missed the day of their visitation and actively opposed the King.

Jesus confronted the problem of their unbelief by challenging what they were doing in the temple. However, this did not bring about their repentance. Instead, they hardened their hearts, and as verse 18 tells us, they sought to destroy Him. Those that sought to kill Jesus were the leaders. The people had recognized Jesus as the promised King. However, the leaders were more interested in their own position and authority. These leaders misled the people.

Our day is no different. Underlying the unbelief of the world is the worship of money. Jesus taught that a person cannot serve God and money at the same time. Our day of visitation is drawing near, but few are prepared and doing the King’s business.

After confronting Jerusalem in the temple, Jesus went out of the city for the night. Let’s review. On day one, Jesus entered the city as King. On day two, He confronted the unbelief of the nation. Then, on day three, Jesus answered Jerusalem. His answer is found in Mark 11:27-33.

Jesus’ answer starts with the leaders of the nation asking Him a question. They asked by what authority He was doing these things, referring to Him chasing all the money and livestock people out of the temple. Power over the temple belonged to them, and they controlled the temple police. So, what business did Jesus have to be playing God in their temple! Jesus recognized their unbelief and commitment to themselves, their position, and their money. For this reason, Jesus asked a question of His own.

Mark 11:29–30 (NKJV) ²⁹But Jesus answered and said to them, “I also will ask you one question; then answer Me, and I will tell you by what authority I do these things: ³⁰The baptism of John—was it from heaven or from men? Answer Me.”

This is a straightforward question. The men Jesus was talking to were the shepherds of Israel. Knowing what was and was not from God was their job.

The discussion between these men that followed is enlightening.

Mark 11:31–33 (NKJV) ³¹And they reasoned among themselves, saying, “If we say, 'From heaven' He will say, ‘Why then did you not believe him? ³²But if we say, ‘From men’”—they feared the people, for all counted John to have been a prophet indeed. ³³So they answered and said to Jesus, “We do not know.”

As we look at this discussion, we notice that they are not asking what the truth is. The leaders are looking at how to protect themselves. Their consideration is only political in nature. 

Such reasoning is a symptom of their unbelief. For Jesus to tell them that He was God and this was His temple, would have been a waste of breath. After learning that Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, these were the same people who did not believe but considered how they could kill both Lazarus and Jesus to silence the truth.

Therefore, Jesus simply said, “Neither will I tell you by what authority I do these things.” 

On several occasions, Jesus pointed to the evidence that is available for faith. Jesus told a parable about a rich man who did not believe and was in hell after he died. Suffering much, this man asked for water, and when he could not have water, he asked that his brothers be warned. In response, he was told:

Luke 16:31 (NKJV) But he said to him, “If they do not hear Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded though one rise from the dead.”

This was proved true when Jesus rose from the dead. When the Jews asked for a sign so that they could believe, Jesus said:

Matthew 16:4 (NKJV) A wicked and adulterous generation seeks after a sign, and no sign shall be given to it except the sign of the prophet Jonah.”

This reference to the sign of Jonah points to the three days and three nights that Jesus spent in the grave.

The death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus are sufficient evidence for our faith. However, there is much more. Let’s read the rest of the context of Matthew 16:4.

Matthew 16:2–4 (NKJV) ²He answered and said to them, “When it is evening you say, ‘It will be fair weather, for the sky is red’; ³and in the morning, ‘It will be foul weather today, for the sky is red and threatening.’ Hypocrites! You know how to discern the face of the sky, but you cannot discern the signs of the times. ⁴A wicked and adulterous generation seeks after a sign, and no sign shall be given to it except the sign of the prophet Jonah.” And He left them and departed.

 

Before telling them of the evidence of His resurrection, Jesus told them that they had all the evidence they needed. The signs of the times refer to the Old Testament’s prophecies being fulfilled in their day. The Scriptures speak for themselves. No other book tells us what is going to happen with 100% accuracy.

Our day is no different. People that ask for a sign only get the answer, “Consider the evidence.”

We are living in unprecedented times, and Jesus will be returning soon. He will come as King, riding on a horse as a conquering King. However, a few things must happen first. The day of God’s wrath, the Great Tribulation, must first occur, but the Church is not destined for God’s wrath, so we must first be taken out of the way. The Church being removed will be a huge sign, and many will believe. However, most will continue in their unbelief. 

Since we do not know the day or the hour, it is essential for us to always be ready and to always be about the Father’s business. One of the signs of the times is the leaves appearing on the fig tree. A few decades after Jesus ascended to the Father, the nation of Israel ceased to function as a nation. In an effort to erase the memory of the nation, the land was given the name “Palestine.” However, in 1947, Israel was reborn. Consider the prophecy of Matthew 14.

Matthew 24:32–34 (NLT) ³²“Now learn a lesson from the fig tree. When its branches bud and its leaves begin to sprout, you know that summer is near. ³³In the same way, when you see all these things, you can know his return is very near, right at the door. ³⁴I tell you the truth, this generation will not pass from the scene until all these things take place.

The generation that will not pass away is the generation that sees the branches bud and leaves begin to sprout. If the nation of Israel is the fig tree, then our day of visitation is very near. Are we ready? Are we about the Master’s business?

Love

 

Love

1 Corinthians 13

Valentine’s Day is not an official holiday in any nation, yet it is celebrated worldwide. Valentine’s Day is recognized for its celebration of love and affection. Mass-produced cards saying “Be My Valentine” are passed around in our schools, and we see hearts and cupids during this time as symbols of romantic love. 

Courtship and marriage are where we experience romantic love. The Bible book “Song of Solomon” is dedicated to the passions of romance. Interpreted in the context of the relationship between a man and a woman, Song of Solomon can be rather explicit. Romance of this kind is exciting and causes our hearts to race. 

Some of the tamer expressions of the Song of Solomon are as follows:

Song of Solomon 2:2–3 (NKJV) [man speaking] ²Like a lily among thorns,

So is my love among the daughters.

[woman speaking] ³Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods,

So is my beloved among the sons.

I sat down in his shade with great delight,

And his fruit was sweet to my taste. 

Song of Solomon 4:1–2 (NKJV) [man speaking] ¹Behold, you are fair, my love!

Behold, you are fair!

You have dove’s eyes behind your veil.

Your hair is like a flock of goats,

Going down from Mount Gilead.

²Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep

Which have come up from the washing,

Song of Solomon 5:14–15 (NKJV): [woman speaking] ¹⁴His hands are rods of gold

Set with beryl.

His body is carved ivory

Inlaid with sapphires.

¹⁵His legs are pillars of marble

Set on bases of fine gold.

These passages are some of the milder parts of the romance, and they have some expressions that we no longer use, but I am sure they were very romantic at the time. Truthfully though, I have never told my wife that her teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep. 

This Biblical romance is included in the Scriptures, and following this example, we must continue to woo and pursue our spouses throughout our relationship. However, I want to speak today about another type of love. The love that Song of Solomon shows us is erotic love, from the Greek word “eros.” “Eros” is what brings couples together, and it is more exciting than alcohol or drugs. Because of this excitement factor, the world focuses on “eros.” Much of our entertainment centers around “eros.” Pornography flourishes and is a multibillion-dollar industry because we are hard-wired to respond to the physical stimulants of “eros.” 

However, “eros” is not enough. Don’t misunderstand me! “Eros” is one of several Greek words for “love,” and is vital to the marriage relationship. In the context of marriage, it is not sinful in the least. In fact, in marriage, it is a duty. 

The problem is that over time the excitement wears off. The legs that were pillars become more like bald toothpicks, and the teeth that were like shorn sheep have to be removed by the dentist.

We all know this, but we are so inundated with the Hollywood version of love that we fall into the trap of mistaking feelings for true love. 

We know better! 

We know that another kind of love is required to maintain our relationships. The Greek word for this other kind of love is “agape.” We all long for “agape,” and many mistakenly try to find it in “eros.” But it does not work. “Eros” and “Agape” are not the same. 

The Bible defines “agape” for us in 1 Corinthians 13, and Jesus demonstrated “agape” for us through His life and sacrifice on our behalf. Let’s take a brief look at how love is defined for us in 1 Corinthians 13.

First, 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 tells us the importance of love. Essentially, it tells us that nothing is more important than love. As we read this passage of Scripture together, think about the essential nature of love.

1 Corinthians 13:1–3 (NKJV) ¹Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. ²And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Just before this chapter, Corinthians teaches about the use and place of spiritual gifts in the Church. Spiritual gifts are the power of God at work through human instruments to build the Body of Christ. Tongues, or languages, are necessary to reach the lost, encourage each other, and teach the truth. Our tongues set us apart from the beasts of the field. We communicate by means of our tongues. Speach is a powerful tool especially when empowered by the Holy Spirit. But according to verse 1, without love, tongues are useless. 

The end of chapter 12 proclaims prophecy to be a greater gift than tongues. Prophecy is the proclamation of the word of God and has the power to transform the world. However, according to verse 2, without love, even prophecy means nothing.

Without faith is is impossible to please God, but Jesus taught that if we have even faith as small as a mustard seed, we can move mountains. Faith is powerful because of its object. Faith in an infinite God is infinitely powerful. And, even such faith is said to be worthless without love.

Finally, giving one’s life for others is the ultimate expression of love, but self-sacrifice for selfish motives is possible. The terrorist that flew planes into the world trade center towers sacrificed themselves, but they are not examples of love. Without love, no amount of sacrifice or service is of any use. According to 1 Corinthians 13 sacrifice is said to profit nothing if it is without love.

Love is just as important for couples. In our marriages, nothing can take the place of love. Providing a lovely house, expensive cars, and fabulous vacations are all meaningless without love. Loveless marriages are common, but these are not happy marriages. An often-quoted statistic is that over half of all marriages end in divorce. These divorces happen for myriads of reasons, but the root cause is the absence of love. We can assume that most of these marriages started out with hot, passionate romantic love. However, without “Agape,” they could not be sustained.

So, what makes “Agape” love so special? 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 answers this question when it tells us how love behaves. These verses tell us what love does. The actions and attitudes of love make it  critical to life and marriage, more necessary than “eros.”

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 (NKJV) ⁴Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Most of us will admit that we are not perfect. In our imperfection, we hurt the ones closest to us. Living near another, we must often ask forgiveness and acknowledge that we have failed. Somethings we need to be forgiven over and over as we repeatedly stumble and fall. Consider the selfless nature of love described here in these verses from 1 Corinthians. I, personally, am most moved by the thought that love does not seek its own because I see how much I hurt my family and my spouse when I am selfish.

Jesus is our example. He was despised and rejected by men, and yet He gave His life for them. Putting up with another human being is discouraging at times, so we are encouraged to think about Jesus’ example.

Hebrews 12:3 (NKJV) For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.

This verse from Hebrews speaks of the hostility Jesus endured. Some marriages break down to the point where open hostility is expressed, but this should not be the case. Love does not seek its own, is not provoked, and does not behave rudely. When we act rudely, selfishly, and angrily, saying “I love you” is meaningless. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 tells us how love behaves, and we should use it as a measuring stick to see how we are doing, but not as a club to beat our spouses in submission. Love suffers long and is kind. It is not provoked. 

Marriage requires love. Looking at the standard of love here in 1 Corinthians, it is evident that we all fail. So, we are confronted with the choice of forgiving or not. Ephesians 4:32 says:

Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV) And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Love is kind, compassionate, and forgiving. While this does not sound romantic, romance cannot continue without this kind of love. But the question may arise, “How can we maintain such an attitude?”

After telling us of the importance of love and how love behaves, 1 Corinthians 13 tells us something more about love — it lasts forever.

1 Corinthians 13:8 (NKJV) Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.

“Love never fails!” How is it that so many marriages end because they just don’t love each other anymore? It seems that our world accepts the premise that love does not last forever and that happily ever after is for fairy tales. In contrast to this, 1 Corinthians proclaims that love never fails.

The answer we see in our culture is “true love!” However, consistent with the world’s focus on “eros,” true love is portrayed as some version of fiery romance. But, is love a feeling? Feelings do not last forever.

We can understand this more when we recall that God requires love. He demands that we love Him with all our mind, soul, and strength. He also commands that we love our neighbor as ourselves. If love were a feeling, these commands would be impossible to obey. We cannot turn our emotions on and off, as feelings come and go. In contrast to this, the behaviors of love described in 1 Corinthians are things that we can choose to do.

We can choose whether or not we are rude, provoked, envious, or proud. We can choose to bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, and endure all things.

We always have a choice. We will not be perfect until heaven, but a time is coming when we will be conformed to the image of Jesus. 1 John 3 tells us:

1 John 3:2 (NKJV) Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. 

As God’s children, we are being conformed to the image of Christ. The Body of Christ, other people, and our spouses are God’s gift to us in the transformation process. We hear, “Iron sharpens iron,” and we realize that this sharpening happens through friction and grinding. Sometimes the friction is enough to produce sparks. True love grows in such circumstances. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us about the goal of the process that God is taking us through.

1 Corinthians 13:9–12 (NKJV) ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part. ¹⁰But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

¹¹When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. ¹²For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

 

Conflict

Ephesians 4:1-3

Dr. Emerson Eggerich wrote a book titled “Love & Respect.” The book centers around Ephesians 5:33.

Ephesians 5:33 (NKJV) Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

As I understand it, and it has been a long while since I read the book, Dr. Eggerich builds his marriage philosophy around the man and the woman’s differing needs. Men need respect. Women need love. If a woman wishes to motivate her husband, showing him respect is the magic bullet. If a man wants to motivate his wife, showing her love is the trick.

This is an oversimplification, but considering he wrote a whole book and I have written just a paragraph, I think I have done a pretty good job. There is truth in what Dr. Eggerich says, but it can also be a problem. For example, love and respect can become weapons. 

“If you showed me more love, I would show you more respect.”

“Oh yah! Well, if you showed me more respect, I would find it easier to love you.”

Ephesians 5:33 comes toward the end of the book of Ephesians after a lot has already been said. The call to love and respect is part of the conclusion of the letter. For example, this call to love and respect assumes we have understood the privileged position we have as followers of Christ expounded in the first three chapters of Ephesians. The love and respect between husband and wife are part of putting Ephesians 4:1-3 into practice. Ephesians 4:1-3 tells us:

Ephesians 4:1–3 (NKJV) ¹I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, ²with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, ³endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

These verses are the introduction to the teachings of chapters 4 through 6. Chapters 1 through 3 of Ephesians are theological and form the foundation for the instructions of chapters 4 through 6, which represent the practical results of the theology. Our position as children of God, blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, has practical implications for all of our relationships. Love and respect are part of these practical implications. As the foundation, Ephesians 4:1-3 contains the fundamental truths behind all that follows. In other words, humility, gentleness, patience, kindness, and love are what walking in a manner worthy of our calling is about. Love and respect come from an attitude of humility, gentleness, patience, kindness, and love. 

If we all were perfect in love, we would not have battles in our marriages. But, this is not the case. We have battles that center around conflicts. For our purposes today, I am defining conflict as differences, either of opinion or desires. My aim is to address the fights and wars that arise out of these conflicts.

Renowned marital expert Dr. John Gottman suggests that all marital conflicts fall into one of two categories. Either the conflict is resolvable, or it is perpetual. Statistically, he has found that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual, meaning that they will never go away.1 The perpetual category includes things like one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, one partner wants to stay home, and the other wants to travel, one partner is neat, and the other is sloppy, and many variations of this kind. These differences usually last a lifetime, and how we handle them can make or break a marriage. Conflicts of this nature have nothing to do with love. We can love our spouse completely and still have difficulty determining what to do with our vacation time.

However, these differences can become a source of battles. Conflict or differences are not sinful. But, when conflicts turn into battles, we show our sinfulness. I am defining battles as the fights and wars that occur among us. Let’s consider what James tells is the source of our wars.

James 4:1–2 (NKJV) ¹Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? ²You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain.

According to this passage, the source of our fights and wars are our desires for pleasure, also called lusts and covetousness. This source is the same for nations, churches, and couples. When we arrive at an impasse in conflict, the source is our desires and lusts. In other words, our flesh or sin nature is the source. 

If we are going to make any progress in overcoming the battles in our relationships, we must start with ourselves. We must be humble enough to accept responsibility for our sin. 

Our first response in any disagreement is to justify ourselves, or, in other words, we all tend to be defensive. But herein lies a trap for communications. Believe it or not, when we get defensive and justify or defend ourselves, we subtly blame our partner. The statements I made up earlier, half in jest, demonstrate this. “If you would respect me more, I would find it easier to love you,” accuses the other of being disrespectful, and in the process, avoids taking responsibility for my part. We are experts at avoiding our responsibility. We always have a justification for everything we do.

As long as we do not own our sin, we will remain stuck. We will not be able to move forward. The Bible tells us that God forgives our sins when we confess them. Confession must come first because we have to recognize the problem. 1John 1:9 says:

1 John 1:9 (NKJV) If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

God requires confession because we must own our sin. I do not mean a simple, “I am sorry.” Often we use, “I am sorry,” to avoid any further discussion of what we have done. This is true of the battles in our marriages. The close proximity of our spouses gives them insight into our sins and weaknesses. We cannot hide them all. And being confronted with our sinfulness is painful. When confronted by our spouses, our first reaction is to be defensive.

Defensiveness is a way we can break down our relationships. The foundation of love and respect includes the humility spoke of in Ephesians 4:1-3. We must be humble and own our sin. Defensiveness is the opposite of humility.

The counterpart to defensiveness is criticism. Ephesians 4:1-3 tells us that we are to approach each other with gentleness and longsuffering. Criticism is the opposite of gentleness, it invites defensiveness, and it is destructive to our relationships. 

All relationships encounter differences that result in complaints. For my purposes today, I am defining complaints as behaviors or attitudes that become a problem. A complaint is something like, “It makes me angry when you leave the toilet seat up.” Most complaints have to be addressed if the relationship is to remain healthy. Many complaints have to be addressed repeatedly, thus the need for longsuffering. Perpetual conflicts result in perpetual complaints. For example, suppose one prefers to stay home and the other likes to travel. In that case, differences will perpetually arise when planning for a vacation. Discussing differences is healthy until a complaint is presented as a criticism. When the toilet seat complaint becomes, “Don’t you know how to put the toilet seat down?” Or, “You never put the toilet seat down!” It is a criticism, not a complaint. The difference is found in the “I am angry” compared to “You are a problem.” Criticism attacks the person and his or her value. Proverbs tells us:

Proverbs 15:1 (NKJV) A soft answer turns away wrath,

But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Criticism is the harsh word that proverbs is talking about and is the opposite of the gentleness and longsuffering Ephesians 4:1-3 calls for.

Endless volumes have been written on marriage and solving marriage problems. Many of these books focus on communication. While communication is a critical component, communication will not solve the problem if we do not have love. Love will motivate us to learn to communicate without criticism and demeaning language. But the absence of love will make even the best communication meaningless. Love is the foundation for the humility, gentleness, and longsuffering that Ephesians 4:1-3 calls for. Let’s review what it says:

Ephesians 4:1–3 (NKJV) ¹I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, ²with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, ³endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

The great Apostle Paul begs us, implores us, to walk worthy of the calling with which we were called. Please note that the remainder of this sentence has to do with how we treat each other. We are to humbly, gently, and patiently bear with each other in love. Compare this with how 1 Corinthians 13 describes how love behaves.

1 Corinthians 13:4–5 (NKJV) ⁴Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked...

The critical component of our treatment of each other is love. Love is behind all the teaching in Ephesians about how we are to treat each other. If we are to walk in a manner worthy of our calling, we must love each other. When Ephesians 5:21 tells us to submit to one another in fear of God, it tells us how to live worthy of our calling, and such submission is part of love.

Before Paul tells the husband to love and the wife to respect, he instructs us to submit to one another in fear of God. The word Ephesians 5:21 uses for fear, as in “fear of God,” is the same word used in Ephesians 5:33 for respect.

Why should a wife fear her husband the way we are to fear God? First, we must recognize that we are all created in the image of God. 1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to grant honor to their wives as heirs together of the grace of life. In short, fear or reverence or respect is to be a part of all our relationships. We are all created in the image of God, and as many as have accepted Christ as Savior are children of God. Have you considered that the person you are fighting with has God as their Father? Do we think that God will not take the side of His son or daughter? This thought alone should inspire humility in how we speak to each other.

When harsh comments and criticisms start many of our conversations, and defensiveness characterizes our relationship, it feels like our spouse is our enemy. We end up biting and devouring each other. Ephesians 4:1-3 tells us we are to “endeavor to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” This is why I emphasize the companionship of marriage. We must cultivate our friendship. When we do not, we give the devil opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27 says,

Ephesians 4:26–27 (NKJV) ²⁶“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, ²⁷nor give place to the devil.

When we refuse to deal with conflicts in a healthy way, we give place to the devil. Conflict is unavoidable. Some conflicts will never go away, and this is not from a lack of love. However, battles are a symptom of sin. This does not mean that we cannot have strong differences of opinion, but we must not bite and devour each other. We must walk in a manner worthy of our calling, bearing with one another in love.

1 John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Three Rivers Press, New York, New York, 1999. pg 130.

Companions

Malachi 2:13-16

At the end of the Old Testament, in the book of Malachi, God confronts His people, Israel, about a number of sins. One issue God addresses is divorce.

Malachi 2:13–16 (NKJV) ¹³And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, With weeping and crying; So He does not regard the offering anymore, Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. ¹⁴Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant. ¹⁵But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. ¹⁶“For the Lord God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the Lord of hosts. Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.”

Malachi 2:13-16 reveals a lot about God’s view of marriage. Not the least of which is His hatred of the treachery of divorce. In explaining the reasons for His hatred, God reveals several truths about marriage. For example, verse 15 says, “Did He not make them one.” Jesus repeats this idea of two being made one when He explains:

Matthew 19:6 (NKJV) So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

The union that God creates is spiritual, and in Malachi 2, God points to this union when He repeats the warning, “Take heed to your spirit.” Spiritual unity is an integral element in our understanding of marriage. We will continue to see it throughout our consideration of marriage. However, I want to focus on what God says about companionship. In Malachi 2:14, God uses two words related to friendship—one is positive, and one is negative.

These two words are treachery and companion.

First, Let’s consider treachery. Treachery speaks of deceit and betrayal. Synonyms of treachery are:

betrayal, disloyalty, unfaithfulness, infidelity, duplicity, deceitfulness, backstabbing.

These words form a picture of treachery, and they also reflect the trust and intimacy of friendship. If trust and familiarity are not present, most of these words lose their meaning.

For example, consider the synonym “betrayal.” We see the word betrayal used in reference to Judas’ act toward Jesus. In the garden, Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. His treachery was foretold in the prophecy of Psalm 55.

Psalm 55:12–14 (ESV) ¹²For it is not an enemy who taunts me—then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—then I could hide from him. ¹³But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. ¹⁴We used to take sweet counsel together; within God’s house we walked in the throng.

Look at how the psalmist describes his betrayer—“my equal, my companion, my familiar friend.” All these words can be used to define companionship and are what God is indicating in Malachi 2 when He uses the word “companion.” After describing companionship, the psalmist lists the activities the companions shared. They took sweet counsel together, they worshiped God together, and they walked together in the midst of the crowd. These indicate a familiarity and warmth of relationship only present in the closest of friendships. The close friendship and trust of the backstabber are what make betrayal painful and evil. If there were no trust, betrayal would not be possible. 

The other word Malachi 2:14 uses to describe the marriage relationship is “companion.” The idea of companionship is behind the words of Genesis 2:18.

Genesis 2:18 (ESV) Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.

We should not interpret this word “helper” to mean that the woman is subservient to the man. The word “helper” is applied to God when the Bible says, “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1) Should we then interpret “helper” in Genesis 2 as meaning the wife is to lord it over her husband? The “helper” that God  was “fit” or “comparable” to the man. The implication is that God created a companion. 

Some wedding vows and some Bible translations interpret Ephesians 5 as meaning that wives must obey their husbands. The Scriptures say, “wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” However, Ephesians 5:21 says, “...submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Does this mean that we are to obey each other? Are we to do whatever the person sitting next to us tells us to do? Why not? The Bible says we are to submit to one another! Philippians 2 tells us to consider others as more important than ourselves. It also tells us to do nothing out of selfishness or vain conceit. Love means giving up self for the sake of the other, which requires the humility of submitting to each other, but not in the sense of obeying each other. We are to subordinate ourselves in preference for others.

The Bible teaches that the husband and wife are companions and commands each alternatively to love and to submit. These differing commands are because of fleshly tendencies that come as a result of the fall. Genesis 3:16 tells us that as a result of sin, the man will Lord it over the woman and that the woman’s desire will be for the man. By this, we understand that men’s and women’s sinful tendencies are generally different, not always, but generally. Thus, the different commands to love and to submit. One truth behind these commands is that the natural tendency of both is to control the other, but the method of control differs. As a result, many of our marriage problems are power struggles. Who will be in control?

The relationship between a husband and wife is to reflect the relationship of Christ and the Church. Christ gave His life for the Church, and we are called to take up our cross daily and follow Him—mutual dying to self. Consider what Jesus said to His disciples:

John 15:15 (NKJV) No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.

If anybody has the right to call us servants, the Lord Jesus has that right. I am His servant and want to be His servant, but He has called me His friend. It is shameful that I so often treat my wife as my servant instead of my companion and friend.

I recently read an account of a man who was shopping for a car. He found the vehicle he was looking for but told the owner that his wife wanted him to get it checked out by a mechanic before purchasing it. The owner scornfully asked, “So you let your wife tell you what to do?” To which the man replied, “I would not make such an important decision without my wife’s input.” When the mechanic checked out the car, a defect was found that saved the man from making an expensive mistake.

Why would I not value the opinions of the companion with whom I share everything? And yet, so often, we discount what the other has to say. How long would you stay friends with someone uninterested in what you had to say? And yet we expect our wives to submit to us, or our husbands to love us?

One rule of friendship is our friends influence us. In Amos 3:3, God asks Israel a question that applies to the marriage relationship:

Amos 3:3 (NKJV) Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?

Agreement cannot be forced. Bullying someone to do it my way is not agreement. Manipulating someone to get what we want is not agreement. However, manipulating and bullying are common behaviors, even among friends, and these practices damage friendship. Because two cannot walk together without agreement.

We must learn to listen and communicate if we are to remain friends, and listening is the more important. We must care enough to listen. Proverbs 18:13 is a good reminder.

Proverbs 18:13 (NKJV) He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.

Companionship and thus friendship was part of the original design of marriage. Let’s review what Genesis 2:24 says:

Genesis 2:24 (NKJV) Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Consider with me the phrase “...shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. The Hebrew word for “joined” is also translated “hold fast” in other versions of the Bible. When Jesus quoted this passage, the Greek word He used means to be “glued” together.

At one time, a couple of ladies with whom I was acquainted were together a lot. One of the lady’s sons was a friend of mine, and in speaking of these ladies, he commented that they were glued together at the hip. For some reason, I had never heard that expression before, and so it stuck with me. I had this ridiculous picture of these two women stuck together and walking around.

If you are friends, being stuck together isn’t so bad, but can you picture two cats with their tails tied together? Many of our marriages are too much like two cats tied together.

If your spouse is not your closest friend and companion, your marriage is not what it should be. This does not mean that one should not have outside friends and companions. The opposite is true. It is necessary and healthy that we should have outside friends and companions. The Lord commands that we are not to forsake the gathering of ourselves together. We are to fellowship with each other as believers. However, even in this, we must let our spouse, our closest companion, influence us.

I used to say to myself, “Our marriage would be perfect if only my wife would .... (you fill in the blank).) However, nowhere in the Bible could I find a place where it told me to correct or fix my spouse. All the directions and commands I could find were directed to me. 

In any relationship, in any friendship, I have direct control over only one person—myself, and I am 100% responsible for my part. My spouse is never responsible for any of my actions or attitudes—ever. If your marriage lacks friendship and companionship, you are not responsible for what your partner does or does not do. But, you are responsible for what you do or do not do. Each of us must put our spouse’s needs before our own and choose to love and honor them as equal partners, joined together with us for our journey through life. To do otherwise is treachery and betrayal and the breaking of the promise we made.