Conflict

Ephesians 4:1-3

Dr. Emerson Eggerich wrote a book titled “Love & Respect.” The book centers around Ephesians 5:33.

Ephesians 5:33 (NKJV) Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

As I understand it, and it has been a long while since I read the book, Dr. Eggerich builds his marriage philosophy around the man and the woman’s differing needs. Men need respect. Women need love. If a woman wishes to motivate her husband, showing him respect is the magic bullet. If a man wants to motivate his wife, showing her love is the trick.

This is an oversimplification, but considering he wrote a whole book and I have written just a paragraph, I think I have done a pretty good job. There is truth in what Dr. Eggerich says, but it can also be a problem. For example, love and respect can become weapons. 

“If you showed me more love, I would show you more respect.”

“Oh yah! Well, if you showed me more respect, I would find it easier to love you.”

Ephesians 5:33 comes toward the end of the book of Ephesians after a lot has already been said. The call to love and respect is part of the conclusion of the letter. For example, this call to love and respect assumes we have understood the privileged position we have as followers of Christ expounded in the first three chapters of Ephesians. The love and respect between husband and wife are part of putting Ephesians 4:1-3 into practice. Ephesians 4:1-3 tells us:

Ephesians 4:1–3 (NKJV) ¹I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, ²with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, ³endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

These verses are the introduction to the teachings of chapters 4 through 6. Chapters 1 through 3 of Ephesians are theological and form the foundation for the instructions of chapters 4 through 6, which represent the practical results of the theology. Our position as children of God, blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, has practical implications for all of our relationships. Love and respect are part of these practical implications. As the foundation, Ephesians 4:1-3 contains the fundamental truths behind all that follows. In other words, humility, gentleness, patience, kindness, and love are what walking in a manner worthy of our calling is about. Love and respect come from an attitude of humility, gentleness, patience, kindness, and love. 

If we all were perfect in love, we would not have battles in our marriages. But, this is not the case. We have battles that center around conflicts. For our purposes today, I am defining conflict as differences, either of opinion or desires. My aim is to address the fights and wars that arise out of these conflicts.

Renowned marital expert Dr. John Gottman suggests that all marital conflicts fall into one of two categories. Either the conflict is resolvable, or it is perpetual. Statistically, he has found that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual, meaning that they will never go away.1 The perpetual category includes things like one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, one partner wants to stay home, and the other wants to travel, one partner is neat, and the other is sloppy, and many variations of this kind. These differences usually last a lifetime, and how we handle them can make or break a marriage. Conflicts of this nature have nothing to do with love. We can love our spouse completely and still have difficulty determining what to do with our vacation time.

However, these differences can become a source of battles. Conflict or differences are not sinful. But, when conflicts turn into battles, we show our sinfulness. I am defining battles as the fights and wars that occur among us. Let’s consider what James tells is the source of our wars.

James 4:1–2 (NKJV) ¹Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? ²You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain.

According to this passage, the source of our fights and wars are our desires for pleasure, also called lusts and covetousness. This source is the same for nations, churches, and couples. When we arrive at an impasse in conflict, the source is our desires and lusts. In other words, our flesh or sin nature is the source. 

If we are going to make any progress in overcoming the battles in our relationships, we must start with ourselves. We must be humble enough to accept responsibility for our sin. 

Our first response in any disagreement is to justify ourselves, or, in other words, we all tend to be defensive. But herein lies a trap for communications. Believe it or not, when we get defensive and justify or defend ourselves, we subtly blame our partner. The statements I made up earlier, half in jest, demonstrate this. “If you would respect me more, I would find it easier to love you,” accuses the other of being disrespectful, and in the process, avoids taking responsibility for my part. We are experts at avoiding our responsibility. We always have a justification for everything we do.

As long as we do not own our sin, we will remain stuck. We will not be able to move forward. The Bible tells us that God forgives our sins when we confess them. Confession must come first because we have to recognize the problem. 1John 1:9 says:

1 John 1:9 (NKJV) If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

God requires confession because we must own our sin. I do not mean a simple, “I am sorry.” Often we use, “I am sorry,” to avoid any further discussion of what we have done. This is true of the battles in our marriages. The close proximity of our spouses gives them insight into our sins and weaknesses. We cannot hide them all. And being confronted with our sinfulness is painful. When confronted by our spouses, our first reaction is to be defensive.

Defensiveness is a way we can break down our relationships. The foundation of love and respect includes the humility spoke of in Ephesians 4:1-3. We must be humble and own our sin. Defensiveness is the opposite of humility.

The counterpart to defensiveness is criticism. Ephesians 4:1-3 tells us that we are to approach each other with gentleness and longsuffering. Criticism is the opposite of gentleness, it invites defensiveness, and it is destructive to our relationships. 

All relationships encounter differences that result in complaints. For my purposes today, I am defining complaints as behaviors or attitudes that become a problem. A complaint is something like, “It makes me angry when you leave the toilet seat up.” Most complaints have to be addressed if the relationship is to remain healthy. Many complaints have to be addressed repeatedly, thus the need for longsuffering. Perpetual conflicts result in perpetual complaints. For example, suppose one prefers to stay home and the other likes to travel. In that case, differences will perpetually arise when planning for a vacation. Discussing differences is healthy until a complaint is presented as a criticism. When the toilet seat complaint becomes, “Don’t you know how to put the toilet seat down?” Or, “You never put the toilet seat down!” It is a criticism, not a complaint. The difference is found in the “I am angry” compared to “You are a problem.” Criticism attacks the person and his or her value. Proverbs tells us:

Proverbs 15:1 (NKJV) A soft answer turns away wrath,

But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Criticism is the harsh word that proverbs is talking about and is the opposite of the gentleness and longsuffering Ephesians 4:1-3 calls for.

Endless volumes have been written on marriage and solving marriage problems. Many of these books focus on communication. While communication is a critical component, communication will not solve the problem if we do not have love. Love will motivate us to learn to communicate without criticism and demeaning language. But the absence of love will make even the best communication meaningless. Love is the foundation for the humility, gentleness, and longsuffering that Ephesians 4:1-3 calls for. Let’s review what it says:

Ephesians 4:1–3 (NKJV) ¹I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called, ²with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love, ³endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

The great Apostle Paul begs us, implores us, to walk worthy of the calling with which we were called. Please note that the remainder of this sentence has to do with how we treat each other. We are to humbly, gently, and patiently bear with each other in love. Compare this with how 1 Corinthians 13 describes how love behaves.

1 Corinthians 13:4–5 (NKJV) ⁴Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked...

The critical component of our treatment of each other is love. Love is behind all the teaching in Ephesians about how we are to treat each other. If we are to walk in a manner worthy of our calling, we must love each other. When Ephesians 5:21 tells us to submit to one another in fear of God, it tells us how to live worthy of our calling, and such submission is part of love.

Before Paul tells the husband to love and the wife to respect, he instructs us to submit to one another in fear of God. The word Ephesians 5:21 uses for fear, as in “fear of God,” is the same word used in Ephesians 5:33 for respect.

Why should a wife fear her husband the way we are to fear God? First, we must recognize that we are all created in the image of God. 1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to grant honor to their wives as heirs together of the grace of life. In short, fear or reverence or respect is to be a part of all our relationships. We are all created in the image of God, and as many as have accepted Christ as Savior are children of God. Have you considered that the person you are fighting with has God as their Father? Do we think that God will not take the side of His son or daughter? This thought alone should inspire humility in how we speak to each other.

When harsh comments and criticisms start many of our conversations, and defensiveness characterizes our relationship, it feels like our spouse is our enemy. We end up biting and devouring each other. Ephesians 4:1-3 tells us we are to “endeavor to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” This is why I emphasize the companionship of marriage. We must cultivate our friendship. When we do not, we give the devil opportunity. Ephesians 4:26-27 says,

Ephesians 4:26–27 (NKJV) ²⁶“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, ²⁷nor give place to the devil.

When we refuse to deal with conflicts in a healthy way, we give place to the devil. Conflict is unavoidable. Some conflicts will never go away, and this is not from a lack of love. However, battles are a symptom of sin. This does not mean that we cannot have strong differences of opinion, but we must not bite and devour each other. We must walk in a manner worthy of our calling, bearing with one another in love.

1 John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Three Rivers Press, New York, New York, 1999. pg 130.

Companions

Malachi 2:13-16

At the end of the Old Testament, in the book of Malachi, God confronts His people, Israel, about a number of sins. One issue God addresses is divorce.

Malachi 2:13–16 (NKJV) ¹³And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, With weeping and crying; So He does not regard the offering anymore, Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. ¹⁴Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant. ¹⁵But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. ¹⁶“For the Lord God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the Lord of hosts. Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.”

Malachi 2:13-16 reveals a lot about God’s view of marriage. Not the least of which is His hatred of the treachery of divorce. In explaining the reasons for His hatred, God reveals several truths about marriage. For example, verse 15 says, “Did He not make them one.” Jesus repeats this idea of two being made one when He explains:

Matthew 19:6 (NKJV) So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

The union that God creates is spiritual, and in Malachi 2, God points to this union when He repeats the warning, “Take heed to your spirit.” Spiritual unity is an integral element in our understanding of marriage. We will continue to see it throughout our consideration of marriage. However, I want to focus on what God says about companionship. In Malachi 2:14, God uses two words related to friendship—one is positive, and one is negative.

These two words are treachery and companion.

First, Let’s consider treachery. Treachery speaks of deceit and betrayal. Synonyms of treachery are:

betrayal, disloyalty, unfaithfulness, infidelity, duplicity, deceitfulness, backstabbing.

These words form a picture of treachery, and they also reflect the trust and intimacy of friendship. If trust and familiarity are not present, most of these words lose their meaning.

For example, consider the synonym “betrayal.” We see the word betrayal used in reference to Judas’ act toward Jesus. In the garden, Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. His treachery was foretold in the prophecy of Psalm 55.

Psalm 55:12–14 (ESV) ¹²For it is not an enemy who taunts me—then I could bear it; it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—then I could hide from him. ¹³But it is you, a man, my equal, my companion, my familiar friend. ¹⁴We used to take sweet counsel together; within God’s house we walked in the throng.

Look at how the psalmist describes his betrayer—“my equal, my companion, my familiar friend.” All these words can be used to define companionship and are what God is indicating in Malachi 2 when He uses the word “companion.” After describing companionship, the psalmist lists the activities the companions shared. They took sweet counsel together, they worshiped God together, and they walked together in the midst of the crowd. These indicate a familiarity and warmth of relationship only present in the closest of friendships. The close friendship and trust of the backstabber are what make betrayal painful and evil. If there were no trust, betrayal would not be possible. 

The other word Malachi 2:14 uses to describe the marriage relationship is “companion.” The idea of companionship is behind the words of Genesis 2:18.

Genesis 2:18 (ESV) Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.

We should not interpret this word “helper” to mean that the woman is subservient to the man. The word “helper” is applied to God when the Bible says, “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1) Should we then interpret “helper” in Genesis 2 as meaning the wife is to lord it over her husband? The “helper” that God  was “fit” or “comparable” to the man. The implication is that God created a companion. 

Some wedding vows and some Bible translations interpret Ephesians 5 as meaning that wives must obey their husbands. The Scriptures say, “wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” However, Ephesians 5:21 says, “...submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Does this mean that we are to obey each other? Are we to do whatever the person sitting next to us tells us to do? Why not? The Bible says we are to submit to one another! Philippians 2 tells us to consider others as more important than ourselves. It also tells us to do nothing out of selfishness or vain conceit. Love means giving up self for the sake of the other, which requires the humility of submitting to each other, but not in the sense of obeying each other. We are to subordinate ourselves in preference for others.

The Bible teaches that the husband and wife are companions and commands each alternatively to love and to submit. These differing commands are because of fleshly tendencies that come as a result of the fall. Genesis 3:16 tells us that as a result of sin, the man will Lord it over the woman and that the woman’s desire will be for the man. By this, we understand that men’s and women’s sinful tendencies are generally different, not always, but generally. Thus, the different commands to love and to submit. One truth behind these commands is that the natural tendency of both is to control the other, but the method of control differs. As a result, many of our marriage problems are power struggles. Who will be in control?

The relationship between a husband and wife is to reflect the relationship of Christ and the Church. Christ gave His life for the Church, and we are called to take up our cross daily and follow Him—mutual dying to self. Consider what Jesus said to His disciples:

John 15:15 (NKJV) No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.

If anybody has the right to call us servants, the Lord Jesus has that right. I am His servant and want to be His servant, but He has called me His friend. It is shameful that I so often treat my wife as my servant instead of my companion and friend.

I recently read an account of a man who was shopping for a car. He found the vehicle he was looking for but told the owner that his wife wanted him to get it checked out by a mechanic before purchasing it. The owner scornfully asked, “So you let your wife tell you what to do?” To which the man replied, “I would not make such an important decision without my wife’s input.” When the mechanic checked out the car, a defect was found that saved the man from making an expensive mistake.

Why would I not value the opinions of the companion with whom I share everything? And yet, so often, we discount what the other has to say. How long would you stay friends with someone uninterested in what you had to say? And yet we expect our wives to submit to us, or our husbands to love us?

One rule of friendship is our friends influence us. In Amos 3:3, God asks Israel a question that applies to the marriage relationship:

Amos 3:3 (NKJV) Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?

Agreement cannot be forced. Bullying someone to do it my way is not agreement. Manipulating someone to get what we want is not agreement. However, manipulating and bullying are common behaviors, even among friends, and these practices damage friendship. Because two cannot walk together without agreement.

We must learn to listen and communicate if we are to remain friends, and listening is the more important. We must care enough to listen. Proverbs 18:13 is a good reminder.

Proverbs 18:13 (NKJV) He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.

Companionship and thus friendship was part of the original design of marriage. Let’s review what Genesis 2:24 says:

Genesis 2:24 (NKJV) Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Consider with me the phrase “...shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. The Hebrew word for “joined” is also translated “hold fast” in other versions of the Bible. When Jesus quoted this passage, the Greek word He used means to be “glued” together.

At one time, a couple of ladies with whom I was acquainted were together a lot. One of the lady’s sons was a friend of mine, and in speaking of these ladies, he commented that they were glued together at the hip. For some reason, I had never heard that expression before, and so it stuck with me. I had this ridiculous picture of these two women stuck together and walking around.

If you are friends, being stuck together isn’t so bad, but can you picture two cats with their tails tied together? Many of our marriages are too much like two cats tied together.

If your spouse is not your closest friend and companion, your marriage is not what it should be. This does not mean that one should not have outside friends and companions. The opposite is true. It is necessary and healthy that we should have outside friends and companions. The Lord commands that we are not to forsake the gathering of ourselves together. We are to fellowship with each other as believers. However, even in this, we must let our spouse, our closest companion, influence us.

I used to say to myself, “Our marriage would be perfect if only my wife would .... (you fill in the blank).) However, nowhere in the Bible could I find a place where it told me to correct or fix my spouse. All the directions and commands I could find were directed to me. 

In any relationship, in any friendship, I have direct control over only one person—myself, and I am 100% responsible for my part. My spouse is never responsible for any of my actions or attitudes—ever. If your marriage lacks friendship and companionship, you are not responsible for what your partner does or does not do. But, you are responsible for what you do or do not do. Each of us must put our spouse’s needs before our own and choose to love and honor them as equal partners, joined together with us for our journey through life. To do otherwise is treachery and betrayal and the breaking of the promise we made.

What’s Love Got to Do with It?

In 1984, Tina Turner released the second biggest hit of the year, “What’s Love Got to Do with It.” The world in which we live has lost the meaning of love, especially concerning the relationship between a man and a woman. The physical act of union is called “making love,” but from what I see portrayed in entertainment, love does not have anything to do with it. The world in which we live is lost, hopelessly lost, in its understanding of the marriage relationship. Much of this confusion has worked its way into the Church. Disagreements on a broad range of subjects from sex before marriage, cohabitation, divorce, and abortion should not surprise us since everybody is their own authority. I find the pooh-poohing of what God says to be disturbing.

Everybody has their opinion, especially on this subject. However, I ask that you consider what the Bible has to say. My opinion is not better than yours, but both my opinion and your opinion need to be subject to the Bible. Examine the Bible, and see what it has to say. If the Bible is the Word of God, and it is, then we can trust it on any subject. 

Over the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, I intend to look at what the Bible says about marriage. By doing this, I hope to improve our marriages and answer the confusion that the world is continually pushing on our children and us. First, I will look at how marriage came to be, and in doing this, I am going to give a part of the answer to the question, “What’s Love Got to Do with It.” 

Marriage is God’s idea. He established it. As we look at this fact, we will understand the sacredness of the relationship between a husband and wife. Our starting place is in the first chapter of the Bible. In Genesis 1:27, it says that in the beginning, God created male and female. Look with me at Genesis 1:27.

Genesis 1:27 (NKJV) So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

When God made the world and all that is in it, He also created people. Humanity started with two people - a man and a woman. This man and woman were created in God’s image. No other creature was made in the image of God. Horses, dogs, monkeys, and all other animals are not made in God’s likeness. These creatures are splendid examples of what God can do, and as God’s creations, they have His fingerprints all over them, and they show how great God is. However, they do not bear His image. 

After saying that man was created in God’s image, Genesis 1:27 says, “...male and female He created them.” In this context, the word “man” is used in its inclusive historical sense and refers to both biological genders. The passage clarifies this by the statement “...male and female He created them.” The clear message of the passage is that both man and woman bear the image of God. Biological differences do not mean one is more like God. The Bible makes this clear when it says:

Galatians 3:27–29 (NKJV) ²⁷For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. ²⁸There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus. ²⁹And if you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.

The creation of men and women in the image of God is the starting place for understanding marriage, the sacredness of marriage, and what love has to do with it.

In contrast to what the Bible tells us about God creating the world and all that is in it, schools worldwide teach that all living things came into being through evolution. According to this theory, humans are nothing more than intelligent animals. Starting with this premise, God’s image, or likeness, is not part of the equation. There is no image of God. God is irrelevant if He is acknowledged at all. Some say God does not exist. However, influenced by the philosophy of this world, many live as if God does not exist.

Not acknowledging God and the image of God in man and woman is the source of the confusion concerning the relationship between men and women. If people are no more than animals, then the relationship between men and women is purely physical and meant for reproduction and the survival of the species. According to this way of thinking, marriage is a social construct that may or may not benefit the species by ensuring its offspring's safety, and “making love” is a euphemism that sounds nicer than the vulgar slang words that are used to describe it. Love has nothing to do with it.

As long as we do not acknowledge God, confusion will reign. We must remember what Provers 1:7 says.

Proverbs 1:7 (NKJV) The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom and instruction.

The starting place for understanding love and marriage is knowledge of God, His purpose in creating marriage, and His standard of love. Let’s consider what God says about His design for “making love.”

What we call “making love,” the Bible calls “knowing.” Genesis 3:1 says:

Genesis 4:1 (NKJV) Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain...

The text uses the word “know” to indicate the nature of what happened between Adam and Eve. The Bible is not avoiding calling it what it is. It is defining what it is. For example, we use the word bathroom to indicate a natural process instead of using more explicit language. The process can be disgusting, and we do not want to create a picture of the process in our minds. So, we use a more pleasant idea to redirect our imaginations and yet communicate our meaning. This is not what the Scriptures are doing. The author is not avoiding a picture. The Bible is directing our minds to the truth of what happens between a husband and wife. 

Just before telling us that Adam knew his wife, the Bible says: 

Genesis 2:23–24 (NKJV) ²³And Adam said:

“This is now bone of my bones

And flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called Woman,

Because she was taken out of Man.”

²⁴Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Adam said:

This is now bone of my bones

And flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called Woman,

Because she was taken out of Man.

In English, Adam’s acknowledgment does not display poetic rhythm, but this text was originally written in Hebrew, and in Hebrew, Adam’s words are a poem. 

Following Adam’s poem, the Bible says:

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

The speaker changes with this sentence and the voice of the narrator takes over. When He says, “Therefore,” He means “for this reason.” The word “therefore” tells us the author wants us to draw a particular conclusion, or meaning, from Adam’s statement. Man and woman are made out of the same stuff. They are the same flesh. Therefore, they can be united in a way that no other creature can. Animals relate on a purely biological basis. They do not “know” each other. But, it is different in the man-woman relationship — a “one flesh” connection is formed. 

Biological functions are not necessarily good or evil. Eating is a biological function that can be pleasant or unpleasant depending on what is being eaten, and it can be good or bad depending on how it is used. Some biological functions, such as going to the bathroom, are repulsive by nature even though they are not morally wrong.

However, the joining of a man and woman is much more than a biological function. The Bible calls it “knowing,” and between a husband and wife, it is good, very good. God said so when He created it. But, conversely, outside of marriage, it is bad, very bad. The Bible tells us:

Hebrews 13:4 (NKJV) Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.

According to this passage, God blesses the marriage relationship but condemns those who put their biological urges before God’s design. Sex outside of marriage violates the sacredness of marriage. The marriage relationship is sacred because of the image of God in man and the uniting of two into one. Ignoring the purpose of marriage in this way does great damage both to individuals and society.

The Lord tells us:

1 Corinthians 6:16–18 (NKJV) ¹⁶Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.” ¹⁷But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.

¹⁸Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.

What God creates functions as it was designed to function. Thus, if Adam and Eve had eaten fruit from the Tree of Life, they would have lived forever. So, God blocked their access to the tree to prevent this. According to 1 Corinthians 6, even a joining as casual as a business transaction has the effect it was designed for. For this reason, every other sin is considered external, but immorality is in a class all by itself.

I know that most of us know this stuff. But, I also know that most of us are not careful enough in what we allow our eyes and minds to do in the presence of the opposite sex. And, we know that these things are not innocent or harmless. Still, others who are listening may be living together. If this is you, God says that if we confess our sins, He will forgive us. So, recognize the seriousness of your situation and make it right. Either break it off or marry each other, but do not act as if it doesn’t matter. God says it matters.

The Bible is clear about how we are to treat each other. We are commanded to love our neighbor as ourselves. We are told to treat others as more important than ourselves. Using each other to satisfy our desires sexually violates both of these commands. Sex is not love. Giving one’s life for the other is love. Love protects and provides. Love sacrifices self. In marriage, love provides the protection and environment for a man and woman to be united. Outside of marriage, there is no safety or protection, but we only hurt each other.

I know this is an old-fashioned way of thinking, but what is love?

Instead of defining love, I will quote for you what the Lord tells us love does.

1 Corinthians 13:4–7 (NKJV) ⁴Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; ⁵does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; ⁶does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

If we love each other, we will do these things for each other. That is what love has to do with it. Most of our marriages have problems because we do not do these things for each other. The uniting into one flesh has not failed. It always works according to design. Our failures in marriage can be condensed down to one cause - a failure to love. Love has everything to do with it.

What Manner of Spirit

 

Luke 9:46-56

In Luke chapter nine, Jesus reveals who He is to His Apostles. He demonstrated to them that He is God. Along with this revelation, Jesus says something that confused and troubled the Apostles. He said:

Luke 9:22 (NKJV) The Son of Man must suffer many things, and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised the third day.

Jesus told them repeatedly that He was going to Jerusalem to die. However, they did not understand. Luke tells us:

Luke 9:45 (NKJV) But they did not understand this saying, and it was hidden from them so that they did not perceive it; and they were afraid to ask Him about this saying.

The Apostles could not understand what Jesus was telling them. Matthew tells us that when Jesus started telling them He was going to die at the hands of the chief priest and scribes, Peter rebuked Jesus. Matthew 16:22 says:

Matthew 16:22 (NKJV) Then Peter took Him aside and began to rebuke Him, saying, “Far be it from You, Lord; this shall not happen to You!”

To make sense of the Apostle's inability to get what Jesus was saying, we need to look deeper into their understanding of who Jesus is. Both Luke and Matthew report that Peter had just made an extraordinary confession. Luke tells us:

Luke 9:20 (NKJV) He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?”

 Peter answered and said, “The Christ of God.”

Peter and the other Apostles knew that Jesus is God. Still, another element of their understanding was the meaning of “Christ.” Their knowledge of what “Christ” means is where their problem began. The word “Christ” is the Greek word for the Hebrew word “Messiah.” Both words mean “anointed.” In the 21st century, the name “anointed” is not generally understood the same way the people of Jesus’ day understood it.

As an example of how the people of Jesus’ day used the word “anointed” (i.e., Christ or Messiah), I want to take you to an incident in the Old Testament. Saul was the first king of Israel, but he rebelled against God. So, God told Saul that He would give the kingdom to someone else. Eventually, Saul figured out that the person God would give the kingdom to was David. For that reason, Saul tried to kill David. Naturally, David fled. About six hundred men followed David, so Saul chased David with an army. One night while Saul’s army was sleeping, David snuck in and was able to get to Saul. The man accompanying David urged David to kill Saul. 1 Samuel 26:9 tells us that David said:

1 Samuel 26:9 (NKJV) Do not destroy him; for who can stretch out his hand against the Lord’s anointed, and be guiltless?

The Hebrew speaking people of Jesus’ day, including the Apostles, would have heard this verse taught and read in the synagogues. And, the word they would have heard in Hebrew translated “anointed” here in English is “Messiah.” When we think of “Messiah” or “Christ,” we think of our Savior. But, in their thinking, “Messiah” meant “king.” The Lord’s anointed that David spoke of was king. 

Psalm 2 is understood to be a Psalm about the Messiah. Let’s read what it says.

Psalm 2:2–9 (NKJV) ²The kings of the earth set themselves,

And the rulers take counsel together,

Against the Lord and against His Anointed, saying,

³“Let us break Their bonds in pieces

And cast away Their cords from us.”

⁴He who sits in the heavens shall laugh;

The Lord shall hold them in derision.

⁵Then He shall speak to them in His wrath,

And distress them in His deep displeasure:

⁶“Yet I have set My King

 On My holy hill of Zion.”

⁷“I will declare the decree:

The Lord has said to Me,

 ‘You are My Son,

Today I have begotten You.

⁸Ask of Me, and I will give You

The nations for Your inheritance,

And the ends of the earth for Your possession.

⁹You shall break them with a rod of iron;

You shall dash them to pieces like a potter’s vessel.’”

You probably noticed that verse two says, “...Against the Lord and against His Anointed.” Do I even need to point out that the word in the Hebrew of the Old Testament used for “Anointed” in this phrase is the word “Messiah.” Then in verse six, it says, “I have set my King....”

The Apostles did not understand what Jesus was talking about when He said He would die and rise the third day because they understood that “Christ” meant king. They expected God to give Christ the nations as His inheritance.

We see their understanding reflected in the argument they had. Luke 9:46 tells us:

Luke 9:46 (NKJV) Then a dispute arose among them as to which of them would be greatest.

From this, we understand that they expected Jesus to set up His kingdom and rule the nations. They were arguing about who would be the greatest in His kingdom. This understanding is why Peter rebuked Jesus when Jesus started talking about His death in Jerusalem. But, consider Jesus’ response to Peter. Matthew tells us that Jesus said:

Matthew 16:23 (NKJV) Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men.

In this passage, Jesus points out that Peter was not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men. In Luke 9, Jesus points out this problem in different terms. He says:

Luke 9:55 (NKJV) You do not know what manner of spirit you are of.

Leading up to this statement, Luke recounts three incidents reflecting the spirit Jesus was talking about. 

The first incident is a dispute that arose among the Apostles about who would be the greatest. Their dispute is found in verses 46 through 48.

The second incident is the Apostles stopping someone that was casting out demons in Jesus’ name. This incident is found in verses 49 through 50.

The third incident is the Apostles wanting to call down fire from heaven to punish those who refused to receive Jesus.

In all three cases, Jesus rebukes the Apostles. Let’s consider these incidents.

The first incident is the dispute about who would be the greatest. The Apostles were assuming they would have roles in His kingdom. Their position in the coming kingdom was on their minds, and this was not a passing concern. It was part of their purpose. In Matthew’s account, he tells us:

Matthew 20:20–21 (NKJV) ²⁰Then the mother of Zebedee’s sons came to Him with her sons, kneeling down and asking something from Him.

²¹And He said to her, “What do you wish?”

She said to Him, “Grant that these two sons of mine may sit, one on Your right hand and the other on the left, in Your kingdom.”

The Apostles sought greatness, which means they also sought glory for themselves. We all tend to do this, so understanding Jesus’ response is crucial for us. Luke tells us:

Luke 9:47–48 (NKJV) ⁴⁷And Jesus, perceiving the thought of their heart, took a little child and set him by Him, ⁴⁸and said to them, “Whoever receives this little child in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me receives Him who sent Me. For he who is least among you all will be great.”

The kings of this world do not grant access to children or make friends of children. But, granting access and giving friendship is what receiving means. To receive is also to extend a hand and help.

Jesus taught the opposite of human thinking when He said, “...he who is least among you all will be great.” In these verses, least and great are opposites, like black and white are opposites. Another translation of the words used would be “big” and “small.” Jesus told us to seek God’s kingdom first. Paul told us to consider others as more important than ourselves (Philippians 2:3). The first thing I must learn when Jesus is Lord and Master is that it is not about me. I do not have to worry about anything because Jesus has promised to take care of me. This promise allows me to focus on serving God by serving others without worry or fear.

The Apostles quickly changed the subject. They say:

Luke 9:49 (NKJV) Master, we saw someone casting out demons in Your name, and we forbade him because he does not follow with us.

John said this in answer to Jesus’ statement that the least would be great. It’s as if John were saying, “See how I have forgotten about self and am focusing on the kingdom!” But, what authority did the twelve have to forbid anyone from doing anything? If arguing who would be greatest was about glory, this incident was about control. 

The original temptation in the Garden was to be like God, and we all desire to be the god of our own lives. We also try to extend our god-like control to the world around us. We require that those around us think like us and accept our judgments. James deals with our judging, and he says our judging amounts to taking the place of God. James 4:11-12 says:

James 4:11–12 (NKJV) ¹¹Do not speak evil of one another, brethren. He who speaks evil of a brother and judges his brother, speaks evil of the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. ¹²There is one Lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy. Who are you to judge another?

The implication here is that we take the Lawgiver's place, and we have no standing to do so. Romans 14 speaks of the same problem when it says:

Romans 14:4 (NKJV) Who are you to judge another’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.

The only answer to this very human problem is to die to self. Romans 12:1-2 says we are to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice. Galatians approaches it from a different angle when it says, “I am crucified with Christ” (Galatians 2:20). In the verses just preceding this incident in Luke, Jesus said that if we are to be His disciples, we must take up our cross daily, implying that we must die to self.

Self raises its ugly head again in the third incident. In the third incident that Luke reports, Jesus was on His way to Jerusalem along with the Apostles. As they traveled through Samaria, Jesus sent messengers ahead to prepare for them. The text does not say, but I imagine they were making advance arrangements for lodging and meals since they were traveling as a group. However, there was historical, hereditary hatred between the Samaritans and Jews. If we want to look for examples of racism in the Bible, the conflict between the Samaritans and Jews would undoubtedly qualify. Jesus did not deserve to be refused service and accommodations just because He was traveling to Jerusalem. This was an injustice.

The Apostles wanted to punish the offenders. Not everyone in the village would have known about what took place. Also, there were innocent children in the town. But, the Apostles suggested destroying the whole village. They wanted to give vengeance and right a wrong. Instead of judging individuals, this was judging a group.

The Old Testament account of Jonah and his desire to see Nineveh destroyed is another example of this kind of thinking. Listen to what God said to Jonah when Jonah insisted that God should have destroyed Nineveh.

Jonah 4:11 (NKJV) And should I not pity Nineveh, that great city, in which are more than one hundred and twenty thousand persons who cannot discern between their right hand and their left—and much livestock? 

Jonah valued himself and his need for justice more than he loved people. Valuing ourselves over others is a human tendency. Our tendency to love ourselves and seek what we think is justice is why God tells us:

Romans 12:19 (NKJV) Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.

God’s concern in Nineveh and Jesus’ concern in Samaria was the people. The human concern was their wounded sense of justice.

All three of the incidents recounted by Luke share a common theme. In each case, self was put first and in the place that only God should occupy. Jesus told the Apostles:

Luke 9:55 (NKJV) You do not know what manner of spirit you are of.

It is so easy to operate in the flesh, and when we do this, we do the devil’s work without realizing it. Remember what Jesus said to Peter?

Matthew 16:23 (NKJV) Get behind Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me, for you are not mindful of the things of God, but the things of men.

Peter was doing the devil’s work because he was operating in the flesh, thinking of the things of men. Our propensity to operate in the flesh is why Romans 6:11 says:

Romans 6:11 (NKJV) Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Self must die, and this only happens by the power of the Holy Spirit. We must heed the words of Galatians 5:16.

Galatians 5:16 (NKJV) I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

The spirit we are to be of is the Holy Spirit, not the flesh.